Just like us, the Scots are well known about their talent in money saving. And they also known about the ability to laugh at themselves. To have a few minutes rest, please read the below jokes. We collected most of them from www.scotlandvacations.comAngus called in to see his friend Donald to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Donald replied "Naw. I'm moving house."
Old Tam, who had lost all his teeth, had a visit from the minister who noted that Tam had a bowl of almonds. "My brother gave me those, but I don't want them, you can have them" said Old Tam. The minister tucked into them and the said "That was a funny present to give a man with no teeth." To which Old Tam replied "Not really, they had chocolate on them..."
Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear
A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing Ł10,000 and would give a reward of Ł100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give Ł150!"
Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for Ł5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be Ł10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
"I hear Maggie and yourself settled your difficulties and decided to get married after all," Jock said to Sandy.
"That's right," said Sandy, "Maggie's put on so much weight that we couldn't get the engagement ring off her finger."
Have you heard about the lecherous Jock who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings?
He sold her four of them.
A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
One day Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.
Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.
He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
How did the Grand Canyon come about?
A Scotsman lost a sixpence.
Old Sandy was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked:
' Anything I can get you, Sandy?’
' Have ye no’ a last wish, Sandy?’ Faintly, came the answer. . . 'a wee bit of yon boiled ham.’
' Wheesht, man,’ said Maggie, 'ye ken fine that’s for the funeral.’
An Aberdonian was ill with scarlet fever. 'Send for my creditors,’ he said. 'I can give them something at last.’
'I hear you’re a great believer in free speech.’
' I am that, Angus.
' Well, do you mind if I use your phone?’
'It was like this,’ said Donald. 'I was teaching the wife to drive, and the brakes failed when we came down the hill.’
' What did you tell her?’
' Try and hit something cheap!’
A woman and a man from Aberdeen were stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck. Their clothes were in rags and their food running out.
' I suppose it could always be worse,’ said the woman. 'Oh, aye, it could,’ agreed the Aberdonian. 'I might have bought a return ticket.’
Did ye hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he’d only have to buy her a birthday present every four years?
A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies “L5" to which the man says “You wont get many words for that but write something and we’ll see if it’s ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads “Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
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